I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door