Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
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Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
what day is it?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.