bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber