Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart