Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
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ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship