Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.