So can we start calling them Traylor now?
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
mariah carrie
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.