Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
🤔😂😂
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.