You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
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everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Sticker placement is key.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please