I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
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ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I bet birds love this building.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.