Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
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A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.