Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin