my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
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Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.