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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
🤣😂
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.