In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…