Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I think my mom just blocked me
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Vodka burrito was a success
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997