Vodka burrito was a success
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general