People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
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*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.