Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
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Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.