Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
It do be feeling this way.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle