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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I need better friends
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.