ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”