[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
それは草
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.