Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.