Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’m sorry…what?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right