Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
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Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.