A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.