Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.