does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.