Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Dolls on drugs
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying