whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I feel it
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Not my job 😂
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Happy Thanksgiving
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.