If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Called it
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K