Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.