a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
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#SaturdayBears
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
それは草
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
fourth time’s the charm
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.