“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Did I do this right
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak