[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I’m calling the cops.
Sorry not sorry.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.