[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.


Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”



After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.


Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like


me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky


Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.


Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.