@imteddybless

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

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@cheeky__gal

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

@daemonic3

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

@Shariv67

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

@LaLa_Lyds

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

@mbichaela

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

@goldengateblond

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

@sucittaM

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.