I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.