hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
You Might Also Like
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
boat question
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.