I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Venn
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
my mom making me talk to relatives
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?