Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”