@zachary_lampley

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

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@BabetteJones

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

@tayandmae

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

@nowme_datta

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

@JB4Realz

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

@DaveWeasel

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

@GrahamOfTheDead

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

@dogfather

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

@justabloodygame

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

@AZHORSEMOM77

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?