Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music