I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.