A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
You Might Also Like
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.