Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
describing stardew valley
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.