My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
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Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.