Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
pls suprot
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.