starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
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THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
#FunnyLife Insects