[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Monday
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.