Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
live, laugh, laundry.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.