Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Hey i am sexy to you now
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.