My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY