[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman: