Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
You Might Also Like
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Always…
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what